A phantom jabs the hot corkscrew into my eye and ever so viciously twists. I could be sleeping, or walking, or driving it doesn’t matter. The attack is always without warning and usually debilitating.
Over 20 minutes to an hour the blitz builds to pain levels where if there is a god I loose consciousness, mostly there is no god just writhing pain.
In the calm that follows the ebb of an attack I clutch together the pieces of my sanity.
Such is a day in my life with Cluster Headaches. The next mugging could be in minutes or the next hour or the next day or the next week. During the worst of episodes I’ll get a handful of attacks in a day. Until recently I was blessed with 15 months of freedom from Cluster Headaches. For whatever reason the gates of hell have reopened over the last week.
My Cluster Headaches and Patti’s MS have a shared historical timetable. Perhaps the mega-stress related aspects of caregiving may have played some trigger aspect? Medical science offers no answers. Everything except the proverbial kitchen sink has been thrown at the Cluster Headaches.
All that really can be done is to pick myself back up following each attack. Some days it feels like from the brink of madness. And in all honesty sometimes I move forward with a touch of shell shocked apprehension in my step.
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(Picture copied from clusterheadaches.com and link to Bob Pahlow's Cluster Headache Picture Page.)
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JOURNAL OVERVIEW NOTE:
Trying to share what living with MS is like from the caregiver spouse point of view.. Patti (49), my wife, has been diagnosed with MS for 19 years.
In Journal Archives, WHY SHARE? (4/27/04) through YEAR IN SUMMARY: Part 5 of 5, Was It Worth It? (3/18/05<) chronicles our transitional year from home caregiving to the care facility era.
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I have migraines but I know a cluster headache is worse and completely debilitating. I wish you relief and I pray they stay away for a long, long, long time.
ReplyDeleteI have no understanding of your pain because I have never had a severe headache that could not be relieved. I would imagine you are right, if you cronicled your headaches and severe stress from your wife's illness there would be a pattern.
ReplyDeleteI would also guess that the highly intelligent have more headaches than those less willing to hold lots of information in their head (like me!LOL). From reading your journal I see that you are so well informed and knowledgable and have all those diagnosis and medications stored in your memory. I write more down in THE BIG BOOK OF STUFF and forget it but not where to find it!
I will pray for your relief from the pain, the stress, and the ability to let go of so much responsibility. Patti has wonderful care, your daughter is mature enough to take more responsiblity for herself ( and wants to?), just do what you have to do and enjoy Patti..and God help you through this time.
pATRICK...IS THIS YOUR ARTWORK?
ReplyDeletePatrick...
ReplyDeleteAm starting to worry....where are you?