reflections on Pat Robertson’s remarks

“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it just hurts instead” (‘Someone Like You’ by Adele)

While Pat Robertson certainly kicked a hornet’s nest with his recent remarks about divorce and caregiving, hopefully when the buzzing settles down more people than before will have given some thought to the challenges of long term spousal caregiving.

Robertson was specifically discussing one person’s situation of Alzheimer’s caregiving, yet other chronic illnesses and/or disabilities, including Multiple Sclerosis take a toll on relationships. d-i-v-o-r-c-e multiple sclerosis

What caught my attention was Robertson’s caution that the divorcing spouse would have to ensure custodial care and somebody looking after their wife or husband.

The spouse caregiver should have a plan ensuring continuing custodial care and somebody to look after their wife or husband NOW, if not already. What’s divorce got to do with it? I’d bet that far more people are left without somebody looking after them due to overwhelmed caregiver plans than divorce. Yet where’s the buzz or better yet the help with this concern?

Considering oneself the ‘well’ spouse or ‘able bodied’ spouse is always a touch delusional. Statistically the caregiver life span will be shorter and unquestionably abilities and resources will only decline. Butterfly effect MS caregiving

A care plan based on the assumption of immortality and invincibility is risky. Or as Dr. Phil might ask Achilles, how’s that working for you?

Even though Robertson certainly also pushed the hot buttons of companionship, love, religion and intimacy, IMHO he concluded wisely “… the last thing I would do is condemn you for taking that kind of action.”

20 some years ago I remember typing onto a Prodigy ‘bulletin board’ that I would never judge another spouse caregiver.

This planet is too full of people judging people and not enough caring.

Caregivingly Yours, Patrick Leer 

videos: www.youtube.com/daddyleer

web site: caregivinglyyours.com  

can I depend on you / planning for life with MS care giving

Can I depend on you? / Can you depend on me?

When your world is turned upside down who thinks about plans? The person diagnosed with MS has a mountain of emotions to suddenly deal with. “the call”

The people around them have a parallel world of reactions confounded by invisible symptoms and invisible hurdles.

From the earliest symptoms through diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis and beyond it may be more like a dance than stages of a denial acceptance equation

Everyone brings who they are to the moment. With one basic question, can I depend on you? / can you depend on me?

Whether one chooses to go it alone and create their own support network or within a family unit, the dance begins. Somehow each must not only learn but learn to move together.

Caring can push too hard or equally react too slow. Pushed away in the moment, it’s equally difficult to learn not to sulk as it is to try again.

Giving someone ‘space’ sounds easy until you create distance between you.

In the beginning it may seem as impossible as respecting boundaries without borders.

Complicating it all is that MS in the beginning does not look ominous. When you look ‘mahvelous dahling’ people have a problem understanding your diagnosis much less anxiety.

Also our attention span for caring is definitely short term. Hallmark sells ‘get well SOON’ cards not ‘living with’ cards.  MS on the other hand is about a commitment of decades not days.

MS symptoms may change and progress through the years increasing needs while abilities and resources of those who care decrease, butterfly effect MS caregiving.

Can I depend on you? … In the beginning, there is more going on in everybody’s heads than is actually happening. Like any first dance there will be those awkward moments of hand placement and you most certainly will step on a few toes. … Can you depend on me? 

“You can’t depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus” Mark Twain

Caregivingly Yours, Patrick Leer 

videos: www.youtube.com/daddyleer

web site: caregivinglyyours.com  

game plan / planning for life with MS care giving

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans. John Lennon

Patti’s neurologist first raised the issue of ‘more’ than homecare, the pre-dawn of the care facility era.

Ten years earlier when I asked this same guy about moving to a one story house to facilitate living with Multiple Sclerosis he had said, “Oh! I wouldn’t do that.”

OK, maybe neurologists are not psychic and not financial planners but they are ‘first responders’ to living with MS.

Over those ten years we seemed to live getting one step ahead only to fall two steps behind always remodeling and adapting. What if – we had originally and simply moved to a one story house?

Of course this is ‘retrospective’ planning - certainly we would have had less stress and more money – yet life does not include any ‘do-overs’. You get one chance.

In as sense you are torn between hope driven living or worst case scenario planning. Yet the simple truth is that when the resulting plan is driven by reaction to symptoms and/or progression then reality ricochets.

Complicating any formula for planning for life with MS is that every story is unique. Some people with MS climb mountains, some cannot even get out of bed, most are somewhere in between.

Living with MS is also often about the families that surround and are part of each story – or not part. Ripples affect either way.

Believe me there have been more times than not that I have wondered if planning is an illusion or a delusion.

Regardless you have to come up with something and then MS does what it wants – the proverbial “busted play” of American football. Mesmerizing when it works … ‘what were they thinking?’ when it does not.

Caregivingly Yours, Patrick Leer 

videos: www.youtube.com/daddyleer

web site: caregivinglyyours.com